ball

right now im a little rolled up ball of sadness loneliness and frustration. :(

whenever i think about you, it always ends up in tears or a big fat headache.
so, what if I said you were taking me for granted? All you need is for me to be by your side, which I am. Im by your side when you eat lunch at pharmville, Im at your side when you read the newspaper in the morning, Im by your side when you play video games or talk on msn, Im by your side when you go to work. But, why do i have to be by your side? Please consider others. I'm bored and it's a waste of my time. You could do all of those things without me.

I enjoy hanging out with you, doing things together, NOT watching you do things. we can stay at home reading books together, watching movies together, and making lunch together. :) and i'll be happy

So as a result, I've tried to stay away from you for this week, or more. in a hope that you won't take me for granted, or that you might miss me sometime? but clearly thats not happening. While i stare at the phone, waiting for your call, saying that you wanna hang out with me alone sometime. It doesn't come. no sign of missing me while for the whole day and night im thinking about you.

so no more wake up calls for yangy.

P.s. the chess thing: You've done it once before. nearly made me cry at the state library when you played chess with me. Don't say 'why did you move that?' as if im stupid, and you're all so smart. well thats how i feel. if I make a move and it was wrong just play on and eat it, i'll learn from that. I don't care if i lose, I always lose to kylie, but at least we both give the game our all, and have fun while we play.

EXAM TIME!

dear HUNNY BUN!mm

So, the time has finally come to face the challenges ahead, on your way to becoming the doctor of your dreams. Good LUCKKKKwith your first UNI exam tomorrow, and I'll wish for all the best. I'll be looking forward to hearing the good news afterwards! (consisting of ' . . .aced. . full marks. . . easy peasy. . .HD!! . .yehhhh XD ' hehee ^^ I LOVE YOU AND SUPPORT YOU IN ALL THAT YOU ACHIEVE AND DO! So, try your hardest and do your best!

GANBATTE!

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY TRY

THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK THINK

ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE

and you'll do SUPER DOOOPER BRILLIAANTLY (L)

-POO BEAR

my day

Dear MY ONE & ONLY yangy boy,
Today was a truly wonderful day to have spent with you. Started the day to a bit of confusion. Getting on the same train with your mother, while I thought you also boarded the same train. Sorry I hung up on you, I thought you were down the carriage but soon to find out as i walked down that you weren't. Then I got sad. But we met each other at Murumbeena station at 7:31 this morning. after holding notes and figuring out the last qn of your handout, we got off at melb central. I love seeing you off at the tram stop as you start your day, just so i can see you for that little bit longer, and smile as i walk towards my building. >>>hectic running, printing, picture fixing, art shop buying, cutting, lift taking up and down up and down . . comp entry finished! >>>> 9:36 missed call from 'the boyfriend'. RUN RUN RUN to 7/11. RUN RUN RUN to state library. ring ring boyfriend. get an anonymous hug from behind on the stairs of state. only 9:53. hunger timee! after walking in the melb central direction, turn back and head to QV. deciding to have hot portugese soup, we sat down and blew and sipped and dunked and chatted and hugged and ate. going past the not open till 11 japanese tshirt shop 'aoi tshirts' headed towards state library take 2. >>locker locker, catalogue together, shelf 600-620>>> yay we sat next to each other while studying and that made me extremely happy chappy. although you looked like you were still hungry or tired, we didnt have to resort to passing notes under desks or throwing around rubbers ^^ . study study study 12:30. get bags from lockers and exit state through Mr. Tulks cafe. will eat there one day. need a microwave! tram tram tram. ta-da! microwave. eating with your friends at the cafeteria was fun, we never eat together at my building, everyone just disperses after class (or is hectic mad). listened to some good jay chou piano music before returning to class. boring boring class, me feeling sorry for polite soft japanese teacher who cant control the class. 4 oclock everyone bails. which means. . its time to meet yangy, but not just yet! shopping first of course. I didnt find any good jumpers, except for in the mens section of every store, nice rings in a heart shape =) some boots, skirts, $30 esprit shorts!, and of course NOUGAT. the sales person kept feeding me taste testers like 10, and kept blessing my with. . er. .nougat. it was yummy. i knew you'd be hungry from your obvious sugar low in the morning, it was either nougat or bubblecup. waiting for you at the tram stop, to welcome you home sweet home. with no ideas where to go for dinner, walk up to swanston, then down to flinders. stops at dumpling plus. I had a wonderful delicious dinner with you, as always. dinners always special with you. we had an absollute feast of a meal, starting with appetisers of shanghai steamed dumplings eaten yang and tracy wayy!, a main dish of handmade thin and thick noodles beef and pork flavoured, with an iced lemon tea. ahhhhh such is good life. >>>SYD MEAD forum!! seeing my friends and being in that atmosphere is amazing. what i learnt from syd mead : 'I dun really know what these machines do, or where all these wires are connected to, but that doesnt matter, cos no body knows and it simply suits the environment'. >>carrying a large mass down a street on a dark warm night, with the teacher, friends, and YOU. going to the train station, and having time to spare sitting under the old fashioned monumental clock, talking about what motivates you and me. >>

I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO MUCH YANG! I KNOW YOU APPRECIATE IT, I KNOW YOU'LL WORK HARD FOR IT, SO DON'T EVER DOUBT YOURSELF. you don't need to win awards, just to win me over. you just have to strive for something you believe in, something to achieve no matter how outrageously big or small that achievement is :) you can start a charity, you are already on your way to helping people, something I can't physically do! and that IS amazing! there was a little boy in the news years ago that donated thousands of dollars to children without toys by buying them christmas presents. he was only 7 or 8 so his parents believed in his heart and will, and they funded all the presents for him. if you have an aspiration, people will believe in you, and you will achieve many great things yang.
REMEMBER I LOVE YOU

so, i read your blog and its amazing how much detail you can remember from them. whenever i dream, i always forget them when i wake up no matter how interesting they were, or how much i wanted to tell you about it when i saw you next.

No matter how many rough patches we come across, I will still always love you, even if we end up with a worn out and tattered blanket. It'll be all sewn up and we can huddle together with it when we're 60 and it shall keep us warm during the long cold nights.

Im sorry for pushing you today. Im sorry for asking so many questions.

You are mine as I am yours. I will always belong to you as you will to me, because I have chosen YOU, Yang. I know you have faith in us, so just believe in it.

-LOVE TRACY

sometimes, i just take a step back, tilt my head and look at you. I see past the charming face, the soft hair, and bare feet. I only see the most amazing person I have ever met. You are my inspiration and will never cease to be. Being hit with the realisation that you are so caring, giving, loving, and not asking much in return, makes me cry from happiness inside each and every time because this beautiful soul has found me. You are so supportive and polite, reassuring and passionate, and sometimes I am overwhelmed that such a pure person exists. But, I absolutely ADORE you, for everything that you are. and now im speechless, and all i can do is stare in awe, while looking up at a wall filled with photos of you and wonder why I can't stop thinking about you, and not knowing the answer.

sweetest affections, Poo bear

a letter to you

okay. . rewind time (cos my life is a tape and i have the ability to do that)

Dear yang,

after reading the last post you wrote, (self reflections) and thinking about it now, is actually really difficult as so much has happened between then and now. i think back at that time, i really felt your honesty was something worth believing in. and still is of course. Although it did make me cry on the inside (hopefully you didn't see any tears), having a chance to reread that bible passage always forces me to reflect on myself, and how much effort and love i am putting in to this relationship. and yes sometimes I do think that I don't try hard enough etc.

sorry as this is a few days ago, random bits of reflection are coming to mind okay ^^

if you have the time please read she and her cat again now ------------->

the one thing that stood out from that piece was not to hurt her, and I do promise that I will try not to hurt you any more. The things that I've said that were 'weird' I really didn't have that intention and I'm sorry once again. To me those things were normal, as a girl and to my friends that would sometimes pop into our conversations at school, and as you know, my friends are pretty weird too. I came to the realisation that I really don't know what life as a boy is like, and Im sorry for not being considerate. then again there are probably somethings that girls do that you wouldn't understand. that didnt make sense @.@ anyways. I must say that sometimes things don't come out of my mouth very well. more often than i want actually. . = = and yes sometimes I do realise that what I've said could be taken the wrong way or misunderstood, but I hope that you don't interpret it that way. . although i know that you will. and i do wish that I could take back anything i said that hurt you.

so now that you have been given the great opportunity to attend the Australian National University, I have decided to make this work, and to keep this relationship going because you are very dear to me, and you will stay in my heart forever. the thing i want to keep most is. . .YOU. but also i think its important to keep communicating yeh yeh. . otherwise you'll forget about me :( soooo whenever you can (no pressure) tell me about what's happening in your life. it fascinates me. what you're doing, learning, don't forget to teach me too! dreams you've had, what you ate last night, what music you're listening to etc. and i too will tell you about my projects, that i cut my finger with a laser, that i moulded metal and plastic. what current art exhibits are on, any festivals i've been to, any weird designer fashion i happen to come across. and i hopein this way, even though i don't get to see you, you will still be very much a part of my life. i understand that you'll be busy and please do spend most of your time studying so that you can achieve what you deserve, but let us persevere through these 5 years okay? ^^

from now on I will do whatever I can to hope for you, to protect you, and to love you.

-tracy